Most people need that two-day stretch of crying and moping before they realize that living alone isn’t really that big of a deal.
Yeah, you’ll never be the same, this is a rite of passage, adulthood is just around the corner, your big brother used to take care of you and make sure nobody messed with your boyfriend but now he’s dead and you’re peddling crack for money and sleeping with transients, blah blah blah. Seriously, get over it.
Everyone should be able to survive in Tucson if they just follow these simple rules: Don’t tip the turtles at the pond upside down and don’t mess with people packing bigger credit cards. Other than that, here are some guidelines for living in the dorms.
Don’t waste your time making rules about how long you have before a guy comes over to inform your roommate. I think they go over this on the first day in the dorms. This is dumb, and nobody ever follows it, anyway. My roommate and I spent all day arguing about this instead of doing those activities
Trust me, there’s no way you’ll survive by pooping at your parents’ house or in Chipotle all year. It just won’t happen.
where everyone drinks punch and dresses up like each other. And believe me, what a waste of time. I never even had sex in the dorms, anyway.
Make your bed really high so you can put stuff under it. Need somewhere to put all those rotten bananas and cans of old dog food you never used because Ralphie died while you were gone? Under your bed. This’ll save so much space. Now you have room to put all the blowup dolls you keep for show.
Don’t make your roommate your best friend. This is not a good idea. I know it seems all peachy, and it seems like it’ll be nostalgic in 20 years, but trust me, you’ll get sick of it after a few months.
“”Let’s go to Albertson’s together and shop! And then we can go see ‘Shrek 27’ and afterwards go to Starbucks and then go back home and get in our underwear and talk about why we hate men for seven hours. It’ll be so fun, we’ll almost wish we had real friends,”” said Roommate Sandy. Not a good idea. Make him, her or them your enemy.
Don’t name your dorm room. The thing is, if you name your dorm room, you’ll have people bugging you all year when you don’t use the proper name. “”You wanna go home?”” said You. “”You mean, The Love Shack?”” said your roommate. When will it ever stop? When I was in the dorms, I had the misfortune of naming my room Franzinand, which doesn’t make sense in any language. Try saying that in front of company every day of your life. It’s so embarrassing.
Don’t put ugly posters on your wall. For your sake I have included a list of clichǸ/ugly posters that should never be put on anyone’s wall unless you’re in Hell. 1. Those two girls kissing on the bed. 2. Jim Morrison. 3. Sublime. 4. The Gym Class Heroes. 5. Any band or artist in general. 6. Anything by the artists Claude Monet, Salvador Dali, Vincent Van Gogh, or for God sakes, H.R. Giger. 7. Anything Disney. 8. Anything with puppies or kitties or cute little animals. 9. Any enlarged pictures of yourself or your boyfriend on some beach. 10. Anything that contains the colors black, white, gray, pink, silver, gold, orange or cornflower blue. On second thought, anything that contains any colors at all.
Clean out your refrigerator. You don’t need me to tell you this. That shit smells after a while.
Just take a shit in the bathroom, for God sakes. I know this seems obvious, but you’ll be surprised how often this rule doesn’t get followed. It took me like four months to be able to take a shit in the bathroom while other people were there. You’ll have to do it eventually, so why not start right away. Trust me, there’s no way you’ll survive by pooping at your parents’ house or in Chipotle all year. It just won’t happen.
Learn to masturbate in the shower. This is your only private place. I repeat, do not, I repeat, do not (I love how people say that) masturbate on the bed while your roommate is next to you. I know they’re asleep and you think they can’t see or hear you, but what if somehow they do? You have eroded their trust and totally grossed them out. Likewise, do not masturbate on the toilet, either. I knew a girl that did that, and you could tell because you could still see her feet.
Don’t IM your roommate/turn your IM volume down. I know this is embarrassing, but I too have been guilty of instant messaging my own roommate. Ha, ha, isn’t it funny? It’s like, they’re sitting right next to me and they’re typing on the computer. Isn’t that just so, quirky? Shut the hell up. It’s not funny and never was. Also, turn the volume down when you’re talking to someone online, cause it gets so annoying to hear it every 20 seconds.
Last, but not least, don’t live in the dorms your second year. I know the dorms seem wonderful right now, but they won’t be in a few months when you’re pregnant and overdosing on heroin. Take my advice: live it up while you can, and then get out.
P.S. Don’t move to Northpointe.
Andi Berlin is a senior majoring in English, journalism and political science. She can be reached at arts@wildcat.arizona.edu.
