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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat


Super Cool News: Homecoming 2017 Advice


Note: Super Cool News is a Daily Wildcat feature that shares the, yes, coolest news happening around town and around the country. Try not to take what its writers have to say too literally.

Homecoming 2017 has finally arrived, even though I’m not really sure if anyone was looking forward to it in the first place. Pretty soon, the entire University of Arizona campus will be overrun by individuals who simply can’t let go of their college years and have now sauntered back to their old stomping ground in a desperate attempt to reconnect with some part of the only time in their lives when they felt any sense of joy or fulfillment. 

Well, maybe not every alumnus has a story that sad and depressing, but I’m sure some of them do. If you see an alum this week, don’t panic. Always remember they are more afraid of you than you are of them. Just stand up tall and try to make yourself look frightening and confident, like you actually know what you are doing with your life and are not just some hopelessly lost college student with no career aspirations. 

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As long as you can make it seem like you are going places when you graduate, you should be able to avoid an alumni attack that could consist of questions like, “So what are you doing after you graduate?” or the ever-so-deadly “So what are you planning on doing with that degree?” Alumni could be hiding everywhere this week, so make sure to constantly be on the lookout, and if you really become frightened, do not hesitate to purchase some UA Anti-Alumni Spray, conveniently available at the UA BookStore.

Make sure to take advantage of all the Homecoming events going on this week. If you were hoping to attend the lighting of “A” Mountain, well you’re completely out of luck because that already happened. Maybe you should pay more attention to the calendar next year instead of spending your weekend partying nonstop. Luckily, it is still not too late to attend the reunions for the classes of 1957 and 1967, which I assume will mainly just consist of a huge game of bingo.

Homecoming may also give you a chance to network if you find yourself lucky enough to meet an alum who works in your chosen field. Then you may have a foot in the door and find yourself one step closer to attaining the job that you have always dreamed of doing. That will most likely not happen for you, but at least we can dream.

Before catching the UA football game against Washington State on Saturday, check out the parade on the mall and the tailgate party, in case you were looking for an event to go to find some alcohol before the game.  Most importantly, make sure to head on over to the annual bonfire and pep rally on Friday night, the annual celebration where the bonfire is used to sacrifice one lucky alum to the Homecoming gods. This is a somewhat controversial tradition that unfortunately the Arizona Board of Regents has quietly been trying to shut down for years. Grab your pitchforks and prepare to worship the gods of Homecoming in the hopes that a successful alumni sacrifice will lead to plentiful passing grades on final exams and high job placement rates once graduation rolls around.

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After all, this is UA President Dr. Robert Robbins’s first UA homecoming, so we want to show him that we know how to do it here in Tucson. Make sure to take advantage of all that Homecoming has to offer this week, and always keep in mind that many of these alumni are a reflection of what you will become later on in life, when your career has rendered you so unbelievably joyless that returning to your alma mater for the weekend sounds like the best thing in the entire world.

Even though at first glance Homecoming may seem like an obnoxious event where individuals who can’t let go of their college years come flooding back to further crowd our already too-
crowded campus, if you take a step back and really look at the larger meaning of Homecoming as a whole, you will see that your first impression was exactly right. 

Follow Alec Kuehnle on Twitter

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