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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat


    Van Wilder’s guide to being a UA alumna

    Jessica Wertzcolumnist
    Jessica Wertz

    With 12 days left in my college career, I head into this week with tears my eyes. What will I do without seeing the red brick, eating crappy Student Union Memorial Center food, hearing “”Bear Down”” at noon and hanging out at North Fourth Avenue? I guess I better learn how to be a great UA alumna.

    In my quest to seek out what it means to be a UA alumna, I realized it is harder than getting an alumni license plate and donating money. And so I wish to impart my new found wisdom to my fellow UA graduates:

  • Book your trip for next year’s homecoming.

    Did you know that homecoming is actually an event to honor UA alumni? So why give up drinking on the UA Mall, watching the parade and rushing the field after a homecoming upset just because you graduated? I, for one, have already reserved my flight and have alerted the media that I will be returning to T-town Nov. 2. Here’s hoping for a repeat of the brutalization of the University of California at Los Angeles and seeing you there.

  • Put in your request to get married at the UA fountain now.

    This is a very popular spot to get married and it books up fast, so why not get a head start? You can always find the bride or groom later. There is no better way to show your UA spirit. And it is the perfect spot. You don’t have to worry about choosing a color scheme since red and blue are the obvious choice. You could even hire Wilbur to be the ring cat. How cute is that!

  • Indoctrinate your kids at an early age.

    As the daughter of a UCLA alumnus, I was taught at a young age that anyone who ever attended the University of Southern California was the spawn of the devil. And so I know my kids will be taught this very thing about Arizona State University alumni.

  • I have also added a clause in my will that any of my children who attend ASU will be disowned. Call up a lawyer immediately and do the same thing. The future of our children depends on it.

    This shouldn’t be too hard since I can show my kids the Sun Devil on their hats as valid proof. I have also added a clause in my will that any of my children who attend ASU will be disowned. Call up a lawyer immediately and do the same thing. The future of our children depends on it.

  • When you’re finally rich, donate money to the people who need it the most – students!

    I am sure about a week after graduation the calls will start coming from the UA Alumni Association asking for money. I know I will have to turn them down multiple times in the next 20 years, for all my extra money will be going to pay off student loans.

    But when I finally do strike it rich, I know I will reserve all my extra money for the UA and students, and you should do the same. For example, I plan to have 50 pizzas delivered to a residence hall during finals to make sure students pulling all-nighters won’t go hungry. I am going to drop a few kegs on North University Boulevard before a football game and watch the fun ensue. I am going to choose five students and volunteer to buy their books for that semester. This way, I will be reassured that my money will be going to a better cause than the Alumni Plaza.

  • Finally, UA alumni, never forget to Bear Down!

    Even though we are off to faraway places (Phoenix, here we come), we must never forget where our true allegiance lies. We must never forget to bleed blue and red forever. We must never forget to hope for a bowl game against all odds. And when the going gets rough, we must never forget to Bear Down.

    That is what John “”Button”” Salmon would have done. And it is with this important lesson in mind that we head off into the real world. But we will never let go, Wilbur; we will never let go.

  • Jessica Wertz will soon be a UA graduate with a Bachelor of Science in family studies and human development and psychology. Someday she plans to be buried on the UA Mall. She can be reached at

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