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The Daily Wildcat

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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    Letters from Monsoon

    Dear Selena Gomez,

    I know you loved “”The Lizzie McGuire Movie.”” We all did back in 2003, before Hilary Duff lost all that weight, and before your beau, Justin Bieber, was even born. (OK, he was 9 years old at the time. But still.) No matter how much you loved Duff’s hit chick flick, it’s obvious that your up-and-coming film “”Monte Carlo”” is a rip-off of the same exact story.

    Sure, it’s every girl’s dream to travel to another country, be mistaken for a famous millionaire and find true love. Oh wait. Maybe it’s not. So don’t steal it from Lizzie McGuire, change the setting from Rome to Paris and expect us to think it’s different.

    I know you probably thought “”Why not?”” But hey now, this would’ve been a better idea if you considered what your dreams are made of,

    Miranda Butler

    Dear “”Friends With Benefits,””

    I gotta say, you’re really branching out with this movie. Come on! Friends having “”Casual Sex”” with “”No Strings Attached””? I’ve never heard that one before.

    “”Friends With Benefits”” follows the events that ensue when goofy, yet totally ripped, Dylan (Justin Timberlake) and beautiful Jamie (Natalie Port—, oops, Mila Kunis) decide to factor sex into their friendship. The pair notarize their pact on an E-Bible with a “”no falling in love”” clause, of course. Like that would ever happen. Oh wait, it does.

    You’d think Kunis would have learned from her sister swan that these things never work out the way you plan them. But it wouldn’t be a rom-com if they did.

    Put it in writing next time,

    Rebecca Rillos

    Dear Kevin James,

    I get you, I really do. Your awkward, round-yet-lovable white man antics are an almost constant source of amusement. But your newest role, as the titular “”Zookeeper,”” just drives me bananas. I don’t understand why you, one of the most bankable and likable leading men in American cinema, feel the need to monkey around with the audience’s fickle goodwill. Maybe you thought combining the goofy, in-touch-with-nature charm of “”George of the Jungle”” with the hilarious animal antics of “”Dr. Doolittle”” would make for a whale of a tale. I hate to point out the elephant in the room, but this film is clearly a shoddily made, ill-conceived and rather shameless rehashing with animatronics more at home in a Disneyland ride than a 2011 feature film. Combine this with plot devices that stretch a viewer’s willing suspension of disbelief, and “”Zookeeper”” looks like more than I can bear.

    If you keep this up, you may find yourself hopelessly caged into nothing more than roles in two-bit, half-wit rip-offs for the foreseeable future. And I ain’t lion.

    Another postcard with chimpanzees from,

     Luke Money

    Dear Ryan Reynolds,

    Anyone who’s at least 8 years old, and who’s seen “”Freaky Friday,”” and/or “”Trading Places”” and/or “”Face/Off”” has already seen your upcoming movie, “”The Change Up.”” But with this movie, we don’t get hobo Eddie Murphy or serial killer Nicolas Cage — we just get two boring assholes who want to trade sexual partners and in doing so learn that life is comfier in their own beds.

    If your heart is really set on sex drama and gastrointestinal humor, do yourself a favor and go see “”Bridesmaids”” for a second or third time. It might just change your life.

    Good luck changing it up through some freak fountain-pissing voodoo,

    Brandon Specktor

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