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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    Online Exclusive: What it takes to not suck on Facebook

    No one gives a damn about your everyday life unless you’re a celebrity. As comedian Lewis Black put it, “If you’re describing what you’re doing, then you’re not doing it.” Here are some problems you might be having on Facebook, along with the solutions that will make people “like” you more.

    The Problem: You only post about boring crap
    If you’re buying shoes, no one has any fucks to give. Everyone buys shoes, and if you bought nicer shoes than last time, it’s better to surprise your friends with your new kicks than to brag about them on Facebook. Another way to bore your friends to death and look pathetic is to post about how you have nothing to do. By posting about how boring something is, you only reveal to your friends that you yourself are boring and have no clue how to have fun in your spare time. Also, no one cares about your bowel movements unless your turd came to life and tried to eat you.

    The solution: If you find yourself about to post a boring status, go do something irresponsible or fun for a second and add that to your post. Your original post might read, “Ugh, this professor is making me fall asleep.” But after you’ve done something interesting, it might say, “My law professor was boring me, so I asked a question that started a debate about whether or not certain kinds of fetish pornography count as exploitation. It was awesome.” If you do something outside the norm, not only are your posts better, you become a more interesting person.

    The Problem: All you do is talk about yourself
    Yes, social networking involves having a personal profile so people can see what you’re up to and get an idea of who you are. The option to post gives you the opportunity to talk about something cool you learned that day or an issue you really care about. But really, most people don’t care about your opinion or what you did in class. Sometimes, it might spark a conversation, but no one really learns anything new from your post. And if you got a scholarship, people are only going to say, “Congrats, bro,” thus contributing to the white noise of the Internet.

    The solution: To actually share something with your friends, take the time to post a link to a video you saw. Also, instead of just writing your opinion, you can back yourself up with a thought-provoking article on the subject. Even better, since most people don’t want to hear your opinion, post a video of cats doing something funny. On a less cynical note, if you need to talk to someone about how you feel, you should talk to your friends in real life. If you don’t have friends in real life, this article will not help you.

    The Problem: You post vague clichés when you have a problem
    Maybe if you post “I hate him” again, he’ll get angry and you’ll get that rise out of him that finally forces him to break up with you. Or perhaps posting, “I want it all to go away,” will finally help your friends understand how much pain you’re in. Oh wait, vague crap doesn’t work. That boyfriend you’re so obviously pissed off at probably has no idea why, so a vague post isn’t going to help. And the problem that’s apparently only worth a three-word post is likely festering in your head and making you crazy as you refuse to deal with it. Fact of the matter is, these messages get nothing done and can only make you look stupid.

    The solution: Grow the hell up. Real adults take care of the problem at hand. The first step is to be honest with yourself — and if you can’t do that, you will never solve your own problems. The second step is to take your fingers off the keyboard and figure out what your problem is. Take a walk, call a friend or consult a psychologist. After that, consider your options. If you have no decent options, realize that life sucks sometimes and go have fun. Complaining is only going to make you more sad and boring, which will only annoy your Facebook friends. If you solve your problems, you become smarter and you can even have a story to tell that might make your friends laugh.

    The Problem: You post every five seconds
    Ever since you got your smartphone, you can’t get off Facebook Mobile. Your friends are begging you to stop, your parents held an intervention and you’ve commented on all 500 of your friends’ pages in the last hour. You never miss a birthday post, even for the people you’ve never met. Face it: you’re a Facebook addict.

    The solution: Look at your phone. Realize that it is the devil in disguise. Reenact the printer-smashing scene from “Office Space.” After your phone is no longer recognizable, pour gasoline on it, cover it in firecrackers and throw a match on the pile. Once you’ve accomplished this great feat, look up and remember that the world is not made of a screen.

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