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The Daily Wildcat

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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    Happy Holly(wood)days!

    The holidays are a time for friends and families to gather and celebrate their longstanding bonds by sitting in crowded rooms and not making eye contact with one another. The winter movie avalanche is approaching, and we can all be thankful that there aren’t any titles devoted to saving and/or stealing Christmas. Here’s a rundown of the myriad movie releases to get you through the holiday break.

    Dec. 10

    ‘The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader’ (PG)

    In brief: Four predestined British kids take a sea expedition through a parallel world.

    Equates to: Pirates of the Caribbean + Harry Potter – sexual tension.

    Why you should care: Because you love 3D fantasy worlds, magical ocean voyages and anthropomorphic animal warriors. Because Liam Neeson voices Aslan, the Christ-figure lion, and Simon Pegg voices Reepicheep, the swashbuckling rodent. Because nothing says “”Christmas”” like heavy-handed Christian allegories.

    ‘The Tourist’ (PG-13)

    In brief: Johnny Depp’s Euro trip itinerary is altered when he is mistaken for an international criminal.

    Equates to: The Bourne trilogy + “”The Italian Job”” + pajamas.

    Why you should care: Because Depp is great at being snide in the face of death, and Angelina Jolie is great at standing around in dresses. Because you can cancel your trip to Italy after realizing how few gun-blazing boat chases actually occur there.

    Dec. 17

    ‘TRON: Legacy’ (PG)

    In brief: The son of a legendary programmer looks for his lost dad (Jeff Bridges) inside a computer.

    Equates to: “”The Matrix”” + “”Gladiator”” – blood + spandex.

    Why you should care: Because computer-generated polygons have never looked more beautiful. Because the workday goes faster when you imagine little men battling inside your laptop. Because you can’t get wasted and enjoy “”Yogi Bear.””

    ‘Yogi Bear’ (PG)

    In brief: A bear in a hat steals food in a national park.

    Equates to: “”Garfield,”” or “”Marmaduke,”” or “”Scooby Doo”” + nature.

    Why you should care: Because kids go ape for talking animals with criminal records. Because 1961 is coming back in a big way. Because it’s the only time you’ll find Dan Aykroyd (Yogi) and Justin Timberlake (Boo Boo) teamed up outside of ill-conceived buddy-cop movies.

    Dec. 22

    ‘True Grit’ (PG-13)

    In brief: A badass Marshal (Jeff Bridges) helps a girl hunt down the man who killed her pa.

    Equates to: The original “”True Grit”” + twisted Coen brothers violence + Matt Damon.

    Why you should care: Because the Coen brothers are long overdue for a Western actually set in the old West. Because Bridges deserves more of your money. Because John Wayne has already guaranteed that this is a good story.

    ‘Gulliver’s Travels’ (PG)

    In brief: Jack Black and his ego tower over the village of Lilliput … in 3D!

    Equates to: “”Night at the Museum”” – history lessons + KISS references.

    Why you should care: Because Black spends a fair portion of the movie in bondage. Because of the irony that Jonathan Swift would sooner eat a baby than watch this literary bastardization. Because Black is a loveable buffoon and kids don’t care about books, anyway.

    Dec. 31

    ‘My Dog Tulip’ (unrated — The Loft only)

    In brief: A curmudgeon makes friends with a rescued German shepherd.

    Equates to: “”Marley & Me”” – Owen Wilson’s nose + animation.

    Why you should care: Because you and your whole family love dogs — especially the heartwarming animated kind. Because there is no bond stronger than that between a man and his bitch. Because hand-drawn films are a beautiful, dying breed and you should enjoy them while you can.

    Jan. 7, 2011

    ‘Season of the Witch’ (PG-13)

    In brief: Nicholas Cage ditches the crusades to escort a witch to her inquisition.

    Equates to: “”3:10 to Yuma”” + “”Robin Hood”” + a sexy magician.

    Why you should care: Because messy 14th century bloodshed is the best way to get in the mood for new classes. Because “”Swordfish”” director Dominic Sena knows cool. Because we trusted Cage to save the Declaration of Independence; he might as well save humanity.

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