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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    Ways to make comics appeal to chicks

    Andi Berlinarts columnist
    Andi Berlin
    arts columnist

    I read a comic book for the first time ever this week. It wasn’t about Batman or villainesses with big tits or anything like that. It was about the life and times of Scrooge McDuck. I suspect the neighbor’s cat dragged it in when it arrived to take its weekly crap by the couch, but nevertheless, I gave the book a chance. This is mainly because I’ve had an obsession with anthropomorphic ducks ever since I began reading “”The Canterbury Tales”” for class. Since the epic poem is written in Middle English, I was very confused about the heroic “”duk”” that captures an Amazonian princess and weds her in “”The Knight’s Tale.”” Apparently, Chaucer didn’t care for E’s.

    “”Scrooge”” was good. So good in fact that I began to question my fervent hatred toward comics. This one was funny, colorful, intricate, devoid of garish leg muscles and pretty entertaining as a whole. Maybe I’d like comics about things other than ducks that act like humans and devote their entire lives to traveling the globe for a profit. Maybe.

    As it stands now, most comics are still being written for guys. I know that’s the target audience, but illustrators could reach twice as many people if they just branched out a little. Here are my suggestions on how to make this happen.

    Model a comic after “”The View”” – wouldn’t it be mind-expanding to read a comic where five middle-aged cartoon characters sit around a table and argue about abortion? It would cover all the important topics that girls want to hear about, provide a forum for Whoopi Goldberg as a cartoon and the whole thing would be really easy to draw, too.

    Nobody’s doing anything, so you don’t have to show movement. And plus, when a character gets a gastric bypass, you can just draw them differently in the next frame. So much easier than life-threatening reconstructive surgery.

    Get rid of all those slimy monsters and replace them with seahorses – how delicate they are. Seahorses are a symbol for all that’s feminine and pure. We don’t want those pesky monsters anymore, they’re gross! We want beauty.

    Add speech bubbles to already created artwork – I don’t know about other girls, but I sure do love art. And I would love it even more if it had a plot. Think of the educational incentives that would arise by giving Jesus the ability to speak in early Christian crucifixion paintings.

    Or think how humorous it would be to narrate a Salvador Dali work. “”Come back,”” said the skull auto-sodomizing the piano. “”No. I must fight for the human race!”” said the gaping vagina made out of ants. Tee-hee. But if you want to appeal to girls everywhere, make a story out of those Anne Geddes photographs. I can see it now: She’s an evil temptress who’s kidnapping infants and forcing them to dress up in stupid costumes for her perverted enjoyment. It’s up to The Dribbler to save the day!

    Make an actual plot – I’m so tired of comic books about crime and horror stories. How about something with a real plot for once, like “”Knocked Up”” or “”Shakespeare in Love?”” Something intellectual, you know? R. Crumb came the closest to actual plots, but his comics were always bogged down by sincere feelings and realistic dialogue, not to mention really disturbing incest. We want a love story!

    Secretly coat the paper with period blood – We can sense it. When we know a comic is on its period, we empathize with it and want to hear what it has to say. Then the comic also has an excuse for being whiny (PMS) or being too long (it’s not fat, it’s just bloated.)

    Instead of making the tits big, make them small – then we can feel like we’re really just reading a magazine. And instead of the revealing costumes, put the models in fashionable dresses from Gucci and Christian Dior. Maybe someone can even do an African comic where they scope out sexy Kenyans and do makeovers on them. They’re skinny, sexy and in charge of their own destiny.

    Market the comics in girly stores like Ulta – get them away from boy havens like comic book shops and bookstores. Girls never go in those places. Put them in hair salons and beauty shops. What better things to pick up while you’re looking at face cream? If we’re going to appeal to the feminine market, we have to let them know we’re out there.

    I can’t read duck comics about Scrooge and Donald forever. Sooner or later, I’ll at least have to start reading Howard.

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