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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat


    Signs of the impending zombie apocalypse

    Photo Illustration by Hope Miller/Arizona Summer Wildcat

    The year 2000 brought fear to the public at the hands of the Y2K scare. People prepared for the worst, stocking up on nonperishables and seeking shelter. More recently, talk of the world ending in December has spread like wildfire. After seeing movies like “Dawn of the Dead” and “Resident Evil,” I think it’s safe to say that no one hopes to be battling zombies on their dying day. In light of recent events, however, it seems we all might be doing just that.

    Don’t believe us? Take a look at a few real-world zombie attacks that have happened just this year.

    Zombie “Face-Off”

    On May 29, the non-believers got a sign. Miami resident Rudy Eugene, 31, attacked the homeless Ronald Poppo, 65, and began to eat the majority of his face. Surveillance tapes showed Eugene gnawing on Poppo’s face for around 18 minutes before police arrived and shot Eugene multiple times.

    The cover-up: It was originally reported that Eugene had ingested a “bath salt” stimulant drug and went on an animalistic rampage. After the autopsy, it was found that he had only smoked the munchie-inducing marijuana in recent weeks.

    The likely truth: Eugene was probably turning into a zombie while he smoked the last joint of his life. As a result, he got extremely hungry — for brains. Sadly for Eugene, he never quite got there … he only made off with a nose and cheek.

    Om nom nom

    Only a day after the Miami incident, Maryland college student Alex Kinyua, 21, was arrested for a grisly attack on his roommate. Kinyua admitted to using a knife to carve up and kill his buddy before eating parts of his heart and brain. A posting was later discovered on his Facebook page that preached “mass human sacrifice.” Scared yet?

    The cover-up: Kinyua was clearly mentally unstable.

    The likely truth: As an undergraduate, Kinyua was just as unknown as the guy one seat over in a Psych 101 class. But because of his knowledge as an electrical engineering major, he could have been useful in creating the technology used for the creation of a zombie virus. To keep things under wraps, the labs probably chose Kinyua at random, and Kinyua turned to Aztec-style religion to redeem himself of his contribution to the Rudy Eugene case.

    Not enough cornbread

    On June 2, Miami showed its true bloody colors once more. Brandon De Leon, a homeless 21-year-old, got into an altercation outside a local Boston Market in North Miami Beach. When the cops arrived, De Leon proceeded to bang his head against the glass of the patrol car while screaming that he was going to eat the officers. He continued to bark and growl until transported to the station, where he tried to bite the officer taking his blood pressure.

    The cover-up: After blood tests, it was reported De Leon was under the influence of Four Loko, bath salts, marijuana and Xanax. He was later quoted as saying he had no recollection of that night. But how can a zombie say anything about his experiences?

    The likely truth: De Leon was turning into a zombie as he was being arrested. In order to keep him for study, he was given a serum to slow the zombie virus down. This way, he can still talk and describe his symptoms while being infected at the same time. Very soon, he could transform entirely.

    K-2 crazy — or infection?

    A quiet night in late June at the Daniel household turned into a nightmare when 22-year-old Michael Daniel decided to beat, choke and eat the family dog. In the spirit of the dead dog, he barked, growled and attacked neighbors and family. According to reports, Daniel requested that officers taze him “to help him get off his bad trip.” He’s now facing charges for animal cruelty, but he’ll be facing a lot more when the zombie treatment force comes along.

    The cover-up: Once again, a synthetic drug has been blamed for the cause of an animalistic, violent outburst.

    The likely truth: As more and more zombies pop up, the government has to bastardize something else that’s had a recent rise in popularity: the controversial use of synthetic drugs. The horror stories are all over the news — and have been for a couple years now. Daniel is likely another subject of study injected with the virus-slowing serum.

    Keep watch in coming months for more reports of animalistic behavior.

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