This column is supposed to contain a top-secret list of guidelines for the school savvy freshmen who wish to get ahead, may it be at their parents’ expense. These are ideas so hot, so salacious you’re gonna have to chant the name Mary Magdalene four times and pat your head with your hand to relieve yourself after you read them – or just eat a protein bar, I guess.

Unfortunately, this list is going to be useless as a potato in a handbag if it gets read by anyone older than 25. The mommies will find out, unleash their powers of embarrassment and coercion, and, the next thing you know, you’ll be cutting coupons and parking a hand-me-down minivan that says “”mom taxi”” in the Tyndall Avenue Parking Garage.

I was hoping the frumpy-looking picture of myself would distract them all, but no, parents actually enjoy reading things that look incredibly boring and dull. And I don’t think the blaring headline made matters any better. (I blame copy.)

Here is my last effort: Did you know the sociopolitical ethnography of the Indonerian homeopathies have been climbing at an astronomical rate since the Paleolemic period?

There, parents hate to hear about that stuff. Now that it’s just us, we can get down to business. Here are some things you need to know but never ever, ever want your parents to know you know.

1. If you want to get good grades, never underestimate the power of having sex with a teaching assistant. I myself have never done it, nor do I know anybody who ever has, but doesn’t it just seem like a ravishing idea?! They’re older; they’ll protect you and help you with class. What better way to get an A? No, I’m just kidding. Abstinence.

2. Do not, I repeat, do not think that it is a good idea to eat at Panda Express every day. I know it looks appetizing – and probably free if you have a CatCard – but there’s really just no human way to describe how disgusting that is.

I did it for a while my freshman year and gained 15 pounds. Not to mention the acne problems came back, and my breath smelled like rotten sweet and sour eggplant for a month.

3. The old standard: charging bookstore items on your bursar’s account so you don’t have to pay for them. Do this sparingly, because your parents will eventually get the bill and be very, very angry.

I’m pretty sure it won’t tell them what you actually bought though, so feel free to charge that black and white poster of the two girls kissing. I’m sure nobody else will have it.

4. Yeah, your parents tell you to drink sparingly, but the real deal is drink as much as you can of one type of alcohol. Once you cross the borders between beer and hard liquor, beer and wine, or beer and the fibers of the ground, you’ve gone too far. I repeat, do not mix drinks unless it is absolutely necessary, or there’s some type of Tequila. (Hey, we’re close to Mexico!)

5. Also, do not try to go to Fourth Avenue for lunch in between classes. First of all, it is a waste of time, and second of all, there are all types of trannies and hippies that beg for your parents’ money. If you go, go at night to eat at one of the snazzy restaurants. And plus, those people are funnier when you’re drunk.

6. Last but not least, do not be that one person in every dorm who starts conversations with people in the shower. If somebody’s on the verge of getting naked, even if it is behind the comfort of their own familiar plastic tarp, leave them alone.

The right to privacy isn’t just in the Constitution because soldiers had to be quartered; it’s because nobody wants to make small talk while they’re handling the future of their gene line. The bathroom is like a pirate ship: People will think you’re part gay if you call for parlay … while they’re naked.

There, I hope that helped a little bit. You’re still probably going to look like an idiot, trip on your face and make out with a yokel a few times before you get a hang of the whole college thing.

But maybe these words of wisdom will temper your fall a little bit. At the very least, you now know just a little more about the ethnography of Indonerians. Study hard!