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The Daily Wildcat

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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    Catnip

    Dangerous fashion trends

    Do you ever see a person wearing Crocs and wanna just rip their toes off? Now there’s a machine that can do it for you! It’s called an escalator. An Associated Press article on Tuesday reported that escalators have been gashing and tearing off the toes of little kids wearing Crocs and similar shoes.

    In the last few weeks, there have been 39 “”shoe-entrapment”” cases in Japan, one in Singapore, seven in an Atlanta airport, another at a mall in Virginia, and perhaps many more that have been covered up by the conspiracy of Midwestern 47-year-olds who think wearing them is “”quirky.””

    The problem comes when little kids who bounce around instead of looking at their feet somehow manage to get the pliable shoes caught between two of the steps. It sounds nauseating, but to me it’s just fashion’s way of imposing natural selection. Maybe the gene that makes people desire these travesties will slowly disappear after years of foot mutilation and forced abstinence. People don’t bind their feet in China anymore, do they? Oh man, the Crocs are colorful, though. So many colors.

    Quote of the Week

    “”Is the world flat? I never thought about it. …I tell you what I’ve thought about. How I’m going to feed my child …how I’m going to take care of my family. The world – ‘Is the world flat?’ has never entered into, like, that has not been an important thing to me.””

    – Sherri Shepherd of “”The View”” after getting into an argument with Whoopi Goldberg about evolution.

    Crap to watch while you’re procrastinating:

    You know what the coolest thing in the world is? Gerard Butler’s face superimposed on that dancing retarded kid you see all over the Internet. The guy from “”300″” is the star of a new techno remix that features him screaming “”This is Sparta!”” on top of a cheap video game techno song.

    But the best part is that you get to see his face Photoshopped onto the “”Night at the Roxbury”” trio, an ’80s aerobics video, a dancing man in a bear suit, “”Scarface”” and many more cinematic treats. Relive the magic.

    Random Review: Borat costume ripoffs

    I was unfortunately inside Spencer’s Gifts the other day, and I noticed a Borat costume amongst the vibrators and fat naked lady cards. The plastic cover had a picture of a Jared Leto look-alike wearing a gray suit, a curly wig and a fake mustache. Underneath his picture, it said, “”Eurasian Man.””

    Curious, I looked up the term on Wikipedia and was startled to discover it means the landmass that includes Asia and Europe. Not anywhere does it mention the country of Kazakhstan, or even “”the assholes”” Uzbekistan. This is racism, my friends. Countless Borat contemporaries are losing their identity, and we can’t even locate where they are on a map. If you’re going to dress up like Borat for Halloween, take these things into account:
    The movie was popular like two years ago, so give it up.If you buy from Spencer’s, you’re denying a national heritage. Fake mustaches always fall off when you sweat too much.

    Holy Crap; Senator suing God
    for being a terrorist

    Am I the only one who thinks this is offensive to atheists? First, they had to sit through all that Pledge of Allegiance jazz, then they get blamed for the war on Christmas and now this: A podunk state senator from Omaha, Neb., is trying to sue a guy they don’t even think exists.

    Ernie Chambers’s excuse is that he’s trying to prove a point about frivolous lawsuits. Surprisingly to everyone else, the point he’s trying to make is that they’re Constitutional. Chambers has accused God of “”making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm,”” including “”fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects, and the like.””

    Those are some pretty serious charges, especially with all that alliteration and “”the like”” business at the end. Good thing the defense is well off enough to hire an expensive lawyer (not Michael Newdow).

    Chambers claims he is able to sue God because he is “”omnipresent,”” so therefore he must also be personally present in the county as well. Since he knows everything about everyone, he’ll be able to defend himself considerably. I’ll let you in on a secret though. I hear he’s planning to plead the Fifth.

    Hollywouldn’t: O.J. Simpson

    I for one, think he’s innocent. Yeah, he’s been accused of stealing more than $100,000 worth of collectibles that he apparently used to own. I understand that after a high-profile murder trial, he’s back in the spotlight again being charged for kidpnapping, assault and robbery with a deadly weapon. But that doesn’t prove anything!

    Think about it this way. When Michael Jackson bought the rights to all those Beatles songs in 1985, didn’t you just want Paul McCartney to step in and flat out kick his ass? I know I would have if I was capable at the time. O.J. Simpson was actually showing restraint when he helped his friend impersonate a police officer and hold two men at gunpoint for a bunch of sports crap.

    And that’s if he even did it at all. In the last few years, O.J.’s personality has risen to “”impersonator”” levels. I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole thing was just a ruse put on by an over-savvy Las Vegas performer who craved the spotlight, be it at O.J.’s expense. In any case, O.J. gets a Hollywouldn’t award for ever being involved in this stupid case, and giving the impression that he actually likes sports memorabilia.

    compiled by Andi Berlin

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