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The Daily Wildcat

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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    “Platinum Bash mixes pop, rock, and hip/hop”

    Tonight the much-publicized, ill-omened Last Smash Platinum Bash will invade Arizona Stadium with a medley of musical talents headlined by rapper par excellence/former CEO of Def Jam and Roc-A-Fella Records/hubby of Beyonce, Jay-Z.

    The opening lineup of The Veronicas, Third Eye Blind and Kelly Clarkson – three decidedly poppy groups – has been described by some spectators as “”eclectic”” and “”cluster-f*cked,”” but whatever diction is used, there’s no disputing that the lineup is unusual.

    Has this strange pairing had an adverse impact on ticket sales? Probably. Will the wild lineup make beautiful music together? That depends entirely on how long you’re watching.

    The Veronicas, 3EB and Clarkson all traffic in a similar breed of inoffensive, upbeat pop/rock that would make a fine playbill on their own (at a severely reduced ticket price). When stacked up with Jay-Z – the unapologetic, ever-controversial, self-made hip-hop legend with an ego as deep as his discography – the results are far less melodic. In a rare arena-rock reversal, patrons tonight will likely either be showing up for the openers or the headliner alone, leaving little middle ground. It’s interesting to wonder how Jay-Z feels about the string of bubblegum pop openers prepping the crowd for his ostensibly epic final set – and since he could not be reached for comment on the matter, the following freestyle was submitted in his honor.

    What Jay-Z might have to say about the Platinum Bash:

    When I first heard the call of the ASUA
    And they asked me to come to their school to play

    I needed to know, “”Who’s openin’ for me?””

    Well, it looks like number one is Miss Kelly C

    “”Miss Independent””? Girl you betta wake up

    Try starting your own label, then maybe we’ll talk

    You lookin at the Chairman and the CEO –
    A bona-fide multi-platinum entrepreneu’

    So you an American Idol? Well I’m an American God

    If Cowell busts my balls he’ll soon be outta the job

    And if you ever disrespect me then before too long

    You can stare at your career and sing “”Since U Been Gone””

    But at least you got a voice, and I’ll give ya that

    And at least you ain’t addicted to stardom or crack

    Too many fake-ass pop stars don’t know where it’s at

    But Kelly keeps it real, and that keeps her wallet fat

    Then we’ve got Third Eye Blind, the 3EB
    Who the hell thought “”power pop”” could open for me?

    Do I have to hear you whining through the whole damn set?

    By the end of the night I’ll wish I was Third Ear Deaf

    So you can play power chords and sing about love

    Great! Join the other 40 million bands in the club

    Now I don’t mean disrespect, but it has to be said

    Since 1999 I thought you was dead

    Now I’m just bustin’ your chops, y’all ain’t that bad

    Though I kinda wish you stayed a late 90s fad

    But as long as you treat those fans of yours right

    I guarantee you’ll lead that “”Semi Charmed Life””

    Now speakin’ of charm, there’s some twins here tonight

    Their lips are real loose, and their clothes are real tight

    I wish the same could be said about their lyrical skills

    Cause The Veronicas take punk and give it high heels

    You call yourselves rock? Please! I rock more on the john

    And I can do it all without eyeliner on
    If “”punk”” is Australian for “”be lookin’ fine””

    Then change yo name to “”Eye Candy”” and save us some time

    And I really can’t feel bad that you feel “”Untouched””

    Cause your rhymes are kinda stale, and your music kinda sucks

    But don’t be discouraged, after all I’m just one man

    My twelve-year-old niece is your biggest fan

    So come one, come all, to the Platinum Bash

    Where Jay-Z and some openers will pocket your cash

    And we’ll give you all a show that ain’t never been done

    Cause I got 99 Problems, and a recession ain’t one.

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