As summer rolls on and those of us who are left at the UA examine our sad existence on campus, it is easy to get lost in thought and wish we were elsewhere. That is, until our senses snap back into place and restore what we bashfully hide as a mediocre mind.

Tucson may be the bane of many UA students’ existence, but at least it is (1) in the United States and (2) the place they have chosen, along with their parents, as the location for their higher education.

Still, every year, countless UA students choose to buck this common sense approach to education, instead substituting their own flawed view as to why they are studying abroad. This undoubtedly includes excuses ranging from “”It will help me learn about the culture,”” to, “”It will make me a more well-rounded person.”” Of course, my favorite is “”I’ve got to find myself.”” This confuses me, as I always just assumed that we all found ourselves that shameful night in 1999 when we snuck into the bathroom with some Jergens and my mom’s – err, our mom’s latest issue of the Victoria’s Secret catalog.

The way I figure, you chose the UA for a reason, so why spend a semester or more somewhere else that you haven’t visited and really know nothing about? (I don’t care how many times you scoured that Italian brochure – You know NOTHING about this place you’re going to!)

While I can perhaps give less beration to those who study abroad in countries whose primary language is not English, I don’t hold back when rebuking those who travel to English-speaking countries such as Britain and Australia. It’s not like you’re brushing up on your English-speaking capabilities, so what could possibly be the reason?

Perhaps the reason is so painstakingly obvious that parents overlook it, instead preferring to pretend it does not exist, much in the same way fathers of young ladies live in the denial of their daughters’ virginity.

Now, I do not hold hatred against those who study abroad – far from it. I’m just willing to call them on their bull. Someone I know (who will undoubtedly bust my chops after reading this), for instance, “”studied”” in Britain for a semester. For anonymity’s sake, we’ll call her Miss Beaker.

Just about every Britain story I hear from Miss Beaker takes place in one of three places: (1) on an Ultimate Frisbee field, (2) in the campus’ local pub (Yes, the school had a pub!) or (3) at a party.

Miss Beaker is not of age, and you can bet your Johnson that she drank her keister off. Now, I understand that it was all in fun, but that’s just about all I hear.

Exhibit A: UA students study abroad to get faced, legally.

Along with drinking until they puke in the lap of the person they are attempting to service, students who study abroad also speak highly of the members of the opposite sex who occupy said country. If it’s a girl studying abroad, the accent (it doesn’t matter what kind of accent – it can be any accent) is what makes her panties fly off like a drunk, mildly attractive, yet well-endowed girl at a frat party. If it’s a guy studying abroad, the heightened sexual prowess is simply because he is a guy and there are boobs around.

Exhibit B: UA students study abroad to have male genitalia stuck up female orifices.

Now, it seems to me that mommy and daddy would not be happy with either real reason for studying abroad, which leads me to believe that they actually bought one or more of the generic excuses previously spelled out. Can you imagine a college freshman going to her father and saying, “”Daddy, I need to go to Europe to get premium penis,”” or a theatre major asking his mother, “”Hey mom, can I go to France next fall to get drunk and piss on public property?”” Yeah, me neither, but it might be amusing.

Don’t get me wrong, I hate putting in the effort to learn just as much as the next guy, but don’t ruin my domestic delusions of grandeur with your stories of disco biscuits and strange ass.

So the next time you walk down the UA Mall and see the countless booths set up to assist students with studying abroad, see these purveyors of evil as they truly are: business people out to make obscene amounts of money from your chosen self-destructive vices. While I acknowledge the need to satisfy these human urges, it is possible to do so here on American soil without spending the insane coin. I’ll take $2 for a 40 over thousands of dollars for syphilis any day.

Besides, I’m pretty sure I can find syphilis for free…right here in the good ol’ U.S. of A.

– Shain Bergan is a journalism junior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu