The conspiracy theories are all true. The UA is officially trying to ruin your life.

According to an August “”Campus Watch Bulletin,”” the University of Arizona Police Department has deployed additional officers across campus to “”enhance enforcement capabilities in alcohol, DUI, and traffic laws.””

This means the red and blue are not only out to ruin your dorm room beer pong game, but also to separate you from a vital source of nutrition, integral to living a longer and happier life.

An article from Monday’s Time reports that, “”a new paper in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research suggests that … abstaining from alcohol does tend to increase one’s risk of dying,”” and “”abstainers’ mortality rates are higher than those of heavy drinkers.””

See? That’s science.

Remember, college is all about finding ways to rationalize your irresponsible lifestyle to put off making mature decisions or respecting authority as long as possible.

And now scientists have made it even easier. When your parents ask you what you did this weekend, tell them you were extending your lifespan.

“”But Remy,”” you ask, “”I’m sad because college is new and big and scary. Plus, I don’t know anybody. Isn’t drinking used by people as a form of irresponsible escapism?””

No way! Again, booze is the answer to all your problems.

An article in an October 2009 issue of Time reports that “”those who never drink are at significantly higher risk for not only depression but also anxiety disorders, compared with those who consume alcohol regularly,”” and that “”abstainers seem to have a harder time making strong friendship bonds, perhaps because they don’t have alcohol to lubricate their social interactions.””

So if you don’t want to be depressed and friendless, you probably want to start shopping around for a fake ID. This is college, after all. Your personality is nearly as irrelevant here as your high school GPA.

Plus, think about it this way: all that stress and anxiety you experience when resisting peer pressure will go away if you give in. If you do the mental legwork necessary to rationalize, I promise you’ll be able to talk yourself into anything while you’re here.

Stuck in the dorms? No problem. If you get caught with alcohol, just offer your resident assistant a shot. Despite everything they tell you, they’ll probably be totally cool with it. Remember, it’s for your health.

And in case you happen to stumble into any romantic encounters along the path of your controlled, responsible, totally non-destructive, “”don’t worry bro, trust me, I read about it in this article”” behavior, forget protection. That’s probably a big conspiracy too.

Just don’t tell your parents.

— Remy Albillar is a senior majoring in English and creative writing. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu