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Trump cards: Real estate mongrel, sorry, mogul, Donald Trump has said that the details of the investigation he has launched into President Barack Obama’s criminal and private past will shock the nation. What could be considered equally shocking is that a man who can scarcely turn profit on a golf course is considered a presidential possibility, but that is neither here nor there. The more pertinent question, though, is what exactly Trump is hiding under that hairdo. Someone should launch an investigation into that travesty.

Pasty white romance: The whole world has wedding fever as the long-anticipated marriage between Britain’s Prince William and Berkshire’s own Kate Middleton is now less than a week away. Of course, the Middle East has to ruin the fun with their rebellions for personal freedom and fights against long-tenured dictators. Luckily for them, no one cares. I wonder what flavour of cake they’re going to have?!

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Head Yemen in charge: Yemen’s embattled President Ali Abdullah Saleh has reportedly brokered a deal to step down after months of increasingly violent protests against his regime. This is despite his claims that he did yeoman’s work leading Yemen, which he has done since 1978. Reliable sources close to the situation, and with knowledge of the negotiations, have said he plans to team up with former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak to promote their band, The Deposed Despots. Libya’s Moammer Muammar Gadhafi is expected to sign on to play bass sometime in the near future.

C.o.D’s: Norio Ohga, the opera singer turned Sony CEO who is credited with developing compact disks, died Saturday, ensuring that he lived longer than the technology he pioneered. OK, that was inappropriate. Ohga will be missed dearly, especially by the few hundred people who still rock the Walkman while they check their MySpace profiles. Good night, sweet prince, and may choirs of angels sing thee to thy rest. Wow, those angels sound amazing. What sound quality!

— Arizona Daily Wildcat