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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

Take back the night … from vampires

Hey you! Yes you. Read this column. You’ll be glad you did, and I guarantee it’s more interesting than your professor, the person across from you at Cactus Grill or this week’s crazy, pious Mall preacher.

Now that we have that out of the way, today we are going to discuss vampires (tween girls squeal). Did you hear that inner-parenthesis sound? That is because vampires, tragically and inexplicably, have become the number one 8- to 14-year-old girl demographic creature to fawn over, second only to other repulsive supernatural creatures such as Justin Bieber and the Jonas Brothers. This is a travesty, and I’ll tell you why.

Vampires used to occupy their niche in the universe as one of the most marvelously cruel creatures in folklore’s entire repertoire. They were cold-hearted, self-centered and pure evil incarnate. From Nosferatu, who had the sex appeal of Gak©, to the original Dracula, these vamps were malicious creatures who were bent on nothing but the excessive consumption of human blood, and who definitely did not sparkle, glitter or razzle-dazzle. Any sexual attraction to them was not rewarded with a loving relationship that transcended time and base tans, but was instead answered with a quick dental insertion into the neck. Vampires were the ultimate antagonists — scary, immortal, but not without a few arbitrary weaknesses that the hero could exploit. Then, “”Twilight”” happened.

Because of this phenomenon, we now find ourselves confronted with a new breed of vampire — the kind that shares bedroom walls with posters of “”Gilmore Girls”” and unicorns, and whose “”evil”” actions are about on par with the bully in an after-school special. Their hypnotizing ways don’t hide a bloodthirsty ulterior motive, but in fact, an eternal need to know you. Their crucial weaknesses? Dismissed. These new vampires have become a blight on the entire media universe, and if you have a TV, Internet or jugular vein (if not, seek medical attention), I am sure you have seen some manifestation of them.

It won’t be long until we reach complete media oversaturation with the subject. You’ll be able to note this watermark for yourself, right about the time of the first vampire weight-loss reality TV Show: (Freakishly over-groomed trainer: “”Lestat, you have to give up O-Negative this week!”” Obnoxious fat vampire: “”I can’tttttt!””). I’m sure all inherent, sun-borne vampiric weaknesses will be dismissed soon as well, just so that the creatures can take part in GTL.

So what does this mean? It means we need to cut our losses. Vampires have been de-monsterlated, and our only hope is to try again with another creepy-crawly on which we latch our love and affection.

Who are the prime candidates? Well, for starters, the Swamp Monster is a creature that has long been forgotten by the modern media world. However, as appealing as the thought of Robert Pattinson covered in slime at the bottom of swamp is, I just don’t think they can make the grade, as webbed flippers don’t really have the same hack and slash value as fangs or claws.

Maybe ectoplasm blobs? Their lack of ripped abdominals, or any discernable body at all, makes them prime candidates for not being worshipped and warped by the love of tween girls, a plus in my book. They are heavily susceptible to backpack-mounted vacuum cleaners though, and this household appliance aversion might detract from their overall menace.

So then, the task of being new big monster on campus must belong to … gnomes. A choice out of left field perhaps, but it’s hard to deny that there is something incredibly creepy about little bearded men who stand in your lawn and watch your house. Their facial hair and fashion sense will at least align them with a different demographic  — hipsters — and any sexualization would be a boon to those of short stature.

I’m ready to start this movement as soon as possible to overthrow the “”Twilight”” vampire media monopoly, so you’ll be able to find me on campus wearing my “”Team Grimblespout”” shirt loudly and proudly. Join me.

— Johnny McKay is a media arts senior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.

 

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