Super Cool News is a Daily Wildcat feature that shares the, yes, coolest news happening around town and around the country. Try not to take what its writers have to say too literally.

With only two weekends left before summer, it’s time to buckle down and make up for all that time you wasted doing homework or studying during the semester. Saturday and Sunday only come around once a week, so you should enjoy every minute of them.

Plenty of events happen in Tucson every weekend, like farmers’ markets and concerts, but why do something normal and boring when you can do something else? If you take these suggestions into consideration, you’ll have the best weekend ever.

1. Sleep

Not very many of us have the money to take a trip somewhere, but with sleep, you can go visit all kinds of exciting places without ever leaving your home. Maybe you’ll dream about a forest, or an ocean, or something else that we don’t have here in Tucson. Of course, there’s also a possibility you might dream about your entire family getting murdered. That’s a chance you’ll have to take.

2. Go outside (????)

I don’t know why anyone would want to go outside, but I guess it’s something you could try. Don’t touch the plants; they’re pointy. Plants should not be pointy. Beware of the bright sky-orb that burns your flesh.

3. Make a new friend

If you live in a dorm or an apartment building, you can make lots of new friends without having to face the outdoors. For example, in the dorms, a door left open means the person is willing to talk and make friends. Some people leave their doors all the way open, but some are more discreet. Be sure to try every doorknob to see which people you can befriend. If no one’s in the room, don’t worry. Just wait. They’ll come back eventually.

4. Get to know yourself better

If making a new human friend didn’t work, that’s OK. You can always get to know the person you spend most of your time with: yourself. You probably already know things like your favorite color or your favorite song, but there’s always something new to learn. Take some time to figure out new facts about you. How loud can you scream? How high can you jump? What, in your opinion, is the cutest dog or cat breed? If you can’t think of any more, take some online quizzes to discover more super cool things about yourself.

5. Leave

You’re reading this article to find fun things to do in Tucson this weekend, but the truth is, they don’t exist. If you want fun things, you’re better off going to another city, or even better another country. Get out of Tucson while you still can. Don’t become stuck here for life like the rest of us. You still have a chance.

Follow Taylor Brestel on Twitter.