In a state of pleasant mind-numbing fullness, you tear through the bright paper, lassoing it over your head before delving into the impossibly taped cardboard box, nearly making your fingers bleed with your newfound holiday zest.
Finally, the flaps are freed, and you tear out the tissue paper. There it is. The oh-you-shouldn’t-have, but really. We’ve all received that well-intentioned but disheartening gift, and after a forced smile and an overly-enthusiastic thanks, it’s hard to figure out what exactly to do with it. Behold, a few suggestions to turn the oh-no into an oh-yes – or at least a shoulder shrug.
The “”I-never-knew-they-made-these”” clothes: Yeah, the sweater looks like it ate your dog and your brother yacked on it, but these days they have parties for woolen messes like that! And yours was free! As for the unicorn T-shirt and the pleather pants, it’s Halloween everyday in a college town, and that means you’re set for the next couple weeks.
Or let’s say you’re not one for bowler hats, but it’s not necessarily that bad; invite your friends over with their awkward gifts and have an exchange fiesta – Tony gets your bowler and you get his “”The Price Is Right”” shirt.
The CD from another realm: You’re grandma thinks anything with a picture of girls in bikinis and men wearing eyeliner has to be what’s “”in”” now – even if you’ve never heard of Return Of The Warbler and the album title alone makes you wonder exactly why someone let them make a CD.
Here’s what you do: pop in a movie, mute it, and let Return Of The Warbler belt out the new dialogue. Homemade musical comedy while you wait for the next Vince Vaughn DVD to come out.
If it’s just too painful to even chuckle at, there’s always a record store around the corner that might buy it from you for a couple bucks – hey, there’s lunch!
The “”how old am I?”” present: Great Uncle Walter has thought you were 12 for ten years now, and it was only the case for one of them. That mini-collection of Polly Pockets or G.I. Joes could turn into the perfect specimens for your life studies project or to quiet those kids you babysit for extra cash – go ahead and win them over.
And keeping with the holiday spirit, you can always donate; you lose that oh-no and get warm fuzzies in return.
