This fall, I begin one final semester as a “”super senior,”” the euphemistic term that describes us “”couldn’t-cut-it-in-four”” students.
With the extra time I’ve taken, I have earned a minor in how to – and how not to – approach a college career. I also have a brother entering as a freshman at Ohio State University. As such, I thought I should share some of the musings of an older brother and college veteran to some of the entering freshmen at the UA as well. So here are my suggestions as to how to best approach a college career, keep your eye on the ball, get a head start – whatever interchangeable clichǸ you want to substitute. We’ll start with the basics:
Classes: After all, this is the reason we are here, right? No. The intelligent student realizes that class time itself is for suckers. Taking the test is the only relevant part of any course. So why bother with all the peripheral stuff? That professor will probably just monotone his way through a grueling Power Point slideshow anyway, occasionally taking time to make flailing, wild hand gestures to accentuate his or her most pertinent points. Cozy up to the kid who looks like he’ll show up every day, just to keep informed of the goings-on in the class. Then sit back and watch the calendar free up for more important activities while still maintaining a slight ear to the ground with your class mole.
Parties: Now this is the reason we’re all here. What better place to begin spending some of that well-earned time you freed up from your cake class? The motto of any self-respecting college student: You can always retake a class; you can never relive a party. Run with it. Drinking should always start no later than noon, unless you’re still sleeping off the night before. I’ve seen plenty a party end with someone vomiting in the glass shard-strewn gravel of a parking lot, lying in a fetal position behind a 1984 Chevy Caprice. That’s the mark of a good night. And you’ll be having fun while assured that your sucker class mole is taking care of business for the both of you.
Food: One never wants to party on an empty stomach. Therefore, taking care of nutritional needs should be a top priority. So as not to wear out your Student Union Memorial Center food options too quickly, try to spend each week eating at the same place for each and every meal. That way you can really get into the whole menu of each fast food spot, training your pallet to absorb all the salt and preservatives that it’s going to need for the year. Be careful of McDonald’s week though; I’m told it’s a little rough on the colon.
Make a line with tape about 3 feet above the trash can. That way you can give yourself an indicator of when to dump those old stacks of Domino’s pizza boxes. You don’t want to waste too much time going back and forth to the Dumpster, right? If you end up with an ultra-studious roommate who wants you to keep quiet constantly, scare him or her from the start by retelling tales of your days in juvenile hall. Yeah, you killed a man, what of it?
Sporting events: No college career is complete without collegiate sports. To experience them properly, one must be as inebriated as possible. Pre-gaming and tailgating should be mandatory, and the earlier the better, as with any party. Football and basketball season should be particularly interesting this year and will be even more interesting for everyone else, as you make a spectacle of yourself when removed by security. When people ask what happened, tell them you play for the UA drinking team, and you’re the captain. What a badass.
Follow these simple and easy steps, and you’re sure to make the most of your time. There are a just a few minor drawbacks to this guide. The failing grade you had to take because that class mole didn’t quite come through in the clutch was an unexpected setback, as was that case of herpes you picked up that night in Cancun. Meanwhile, your severely cirrhotic liver is in dire need of replacement. But you’ll always know that in four years, when graduation comes around and your class mole has to go and get a real job, you will still have a long time before you need to worry about any of that career or real-life nonsense. Sucker.
Shurid Sen is a senior majoring in political science. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
